Dilemma
Here I am laying down on my bed after two rounds of snooker and two rounds of Sahur, eating Mee Jawa and then eating some more toast, fried egg (sunny side up), some sausages and pan cake, followed by at least three cups of milo, whilst watching my team (Arsenal) score two goals. Two must be my lucky number today.
The sadness I describe by the majority of the operators here tonight changed as most of them will be going home tomorrow (that's later today). So they're a little perky and ever so smiley ever since the announcement of the moon sighting tonight. I suppose that they are happy that they will be able to celebrate the first day of the festive season with their family and friends. And as for myself, well, there's nothing perky about me, I'm still struggling with the regret of spending Hari Raya offshore. But nevertheless, I'm looking for the silver lining of it all.
The dilemma I am in is about, let's just say, quite personal. It's about honesty and faith. Someone believes that I can change, someone has faith in me, someone thinks that I have what it takes to build a relationship. I believe in them all too, but right at the corner of my heart, it's giving me that look. The rolling of the eyes look. The 'Yeah - Right!' look. I'm trying to ignore it and think about positive things. Can you change a tiger's stripe? Okay a Zebra then? I mean, there's this saying, you are who you are. But who am I? Shall I remain the same, or should I change. Change is always good and great if it makes me a better man. The question remains, "Do I want to be a better man?". Of course right? But what if a better man is not who I am, should I change? Sigh, I'm going around in circles. But I do want to make myself a better man, a great man, a great guy, a great brother, a great son, a great brother, a great lover, a great boyfriend. But can I be great?
I know, I have a lot of doubts in me... I suppose when you read this post, you'll be thinking how ridiculous I am. To be or not to be, that is the question I'm asking myself over and over again. The thing is, there is a million, trillion or zillion reason why I should be a better man, and not even one reason that I shouldn't be. But deep inside, I'm know I'm not and could never be. I know you'll say along the line of giving myself a break. But to delve myself in a relationship is easy, but to keep it as long as you can, that's a different story. It's hard work to keep me in a relationship, it's tiring. But I know at the same time, it's worth it.
I'm babbling, aren't I? I know the answer already right? That I should 'be' than 'not to be'. But I'm not sure of myself. The only person who knows of the answer is me. And have you forgotten, I'm an ambivalent man. Vague is my character, ambiguity is my thoughts, I don't know is my favourite phrase, clueless is my personality. I don't care as much that it is me that I'm talking about, but the consequences of my actions are my current worry of my life. But somehow I know at the end of the day, I'll be fine, whatever the outcome may be. To that special someone that I truly love, thanks for being understanding, I will come out with an answer soon. Thank you for being patient with me. And I love you...
Pathetic post, I know, so anyway, that out of my chest, I've got pretty much little to say, until then my dearest readers, take care be safe, be kind, (Happy Fasting for one more day) and Adios!!!
Comments
I had this question repeatitively running through my head too over and over again last year. I wanted to change, I wanted to become someone better and nicer and so on - like from a cheap broken record. And maybe just as cheaply was motivation too. Or rather, what drove my intention to change.
I was a people pleaser, had always been I guess. I wanted to make people like me and be one the same page as me. Or maybe, I had wanted to jump into the same page as them - that was why I thought I needed to change. The motive? To change for someones. Or maybe someone.
But after a while, it got .. it got nowhere. And Ive only learnt after stupid fall and crashdown that No, I couldnt sustain trying to change just for someone. Screw trying to please people, I am who I am - and thats saying a lot. I really dont need to change for people. People should just accepted me for who I am. After all, how could I say that someone truly accepts me when they are actively trying to put me into a mould to reshape me?
Well. The point of my commenting (and my blabber) is .. I know you probably have known this all along - but deciding to change is an immensely big step that requires tremendous effort. But all those taxing efforts could potentially be flushed down the toilet, wasted away. Changing for peoples' benefits are futile.
Enough said.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
I have been spending my raya abroad too for the past 4 years. I've been numbed by the lack of raya spirits - being surrounded with mostly nonmuslim colleagues with work burying my feet.
-m just another random person who has her kick out of reading and commenting a random person's blog. =)
I've been told on numerous occasions that change is two-fold;
1. simply a phase in life that I will eventually outgrow,
or
2. when taken from the religious perspective, change is a 'test from God'.
Though I've rejected these changes as the reasons for me being the way I am, it hasn't stopped family members and friends from encouraging me. I've contemplated their suggestions and even considered following the route that is 'innately' us. Nature in this manner is the enemy, we're told that temptations must be repressed.
It is then when I realised how unhappy I've become. Instead of embracing my inner self, I vanished into a black-hole destroying completely who I was. I was a puppet
Was change suppose to make you feel this way? Unhappy and miserable? I was again told that change will eventually make a better me, bring out the best in me - and for the longest time, I believed it.
It is when I realised how ridiculously miserable I was. The pieces eventually came together and I realised that I changed when I accepted who I was in the beginning. Attempting to change back not only made me unhappy but it made me lie to myself. It turned me into a person where I was forced to believe that being yourself is wrong.
I decided to live my life how I knew God would have intended it - happy and brave. It was me that didn't want to change, I've grown to accept that and now I live by it.
These so-called 'advice' have not helped me in the end but instead have become a burden. Have I really become that big of a problem that people expect me to change?
You must never change who you are - regardless who, what and why.
So now when people question me why, I ask them - WHY AREN'T YOU?
Happy Eid Mubarak!
Obama/Biden '08
But your real comment is heartfelt appreciated. Thanks... That change (you've mention), I've been through already. This change is more of a step up of who I am. Again, thanks...