Pathetically Let Down

It never sucks as it sucks to be me.

I have a splinter right smack in my heart and the more I try to pull it out, the more it goes deep and the more I pain I felt.  I want to breakdown and cry and scream.  But I feel, the more I cry it out, the more deeper the pain goes.  I feel betrayed by others, and my own feelings.  I know that emotions need to be let out in order to feel better, but I rather have myself burned on the stake.  I want to die, but somehow I felt dead already.

Last night, I wanted to breakdown and cry, I never felt that lonely before, I mean, I've been lonely before, but it wasn't supposed to be this painful.  So I went to DeFountain Cafe, where's there people and I won't be able to cry.  I stayed till 5a.m. there.  And eventually people leave the premises back to their homes of comfort. I was there alone, and feeling pathetic.  What's even going to be more pathetic, I will spend three weeks offshore.  Where a shoulder to cry on is more or less does not exist.  Even as I write this, I wanted to cry.  I want to cry the whole day, but its too painful.  Dying right now, seems a better idea.  

Have you ever wondered about ending it all.  To end the misery of your own life.  When everything sucks and even there was no silver lining to it?  I suppose people turn to faith or religion when it comes to this, but seriously, have you wondered?  I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but somehow, I've lost all hope, faith and believe in myself.  I feel like, I'm a rotten truck of a tree left to rot.

The situation I am in right now, is not entirely the fault of others, half of them, are by my own doing.  And that is the only reason right now, I'm not slitting my wrist right now.  That only thought is the only thing that keeps me alive.  Because somehow or rather it is my fault, it is my doing.  So I won't do anything like that.

I was given hope.  My emotions were running high, and I thought things were going the way it should be.  But stupid, silly, naive little me.  Stupid, stupid man!  Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!!!  So anyway, if anybody's going to reply this post.  I beg you to not say anything along the line of "everything happens for a reason"  because right now, I don't see it or get it.  Just stay with me by my blog, and company me, because dear readers, in the whole honest truth, you're all I've got, I've no friends or family right now, to be with me.  I am lonely and in so much heartache as it already is...

I'm out of words now, and I can't say anything more, because I don't want to start crying...  Until then... Adios...  I'm putting a brave face right now.