Routinely routine

I forgot how breezy life is being offshore.

Today I got to do some work, attend 5p.m. meetings and run and everything is back to routine.

I also thought a lot about moving on.  I'm not ready to move on, although moving on is inevitable.  I think, I shall stay like this i.e. being routine.  My scars on my wrist has cleared up totally, thinking of making new scars, in actual fact, I did found myself a cutter and contemplating to cut my arms again, but before you think or judge me, I don't intend to kill myself again.  I just want to make a little cut, to make the emotional pain a little less hurtful.  I know it's weird but, I think I'm 'addicted' to self inflicted pain...  Just a physical pain or scarring to make the emotional pain a little less hurt.  But I might not do it, but then again, I might... It's silly, stupid and unnecessary, I know, but that's how I feel about it.

I suppose everybody has their own way to deal with their emotional pain.  Some probably tend towards eating, some would do retail therapy and some would deal by staying in a dark room and never waking up i.e. being depressed.  How would you deal with it?  Any thoughts?  

I've been watching Gossip Girl Season Two, and I hate it.  I hate the story line, because it sort of replicates the relationship that I had with my ex.  And it reminds me of my ex, and honestly it makes me miss my ex even more.  But I love the plot though, it's twisted as ever.  And as much as I hate watching it, I'm addicted to it as well, I've downloaded the last two episode and also downloading the last two episode of Reaper Season One.  Yeah, there's nothing much to do here at most nights but to watch drama series.  (break...)

I have just finished watching the two latest episode of Gossip Girl.  Oh man, does it ever replicates my love story.  The story line is exactly about what I am going through.  Which is moving on.  My story with my ex resembles the love story of a couple, Dan and Serena.  In the last season, they broke up, and in this season, because they miss each other so badly they hooked up again, but they didn't resolve their issues, a little like my story.  So they broke up again.  The next few days was the first day back at school after their summer holiday.  And Dan found himself a new girl.  And Serena couldn't handle it.  In this context, I am Serena.  But much more masculine of course.  She said, it wasn't about moving on.  It's about that she's still in love with him and seeing him with another girls, just hurts.  I know what she was talking about.  I felt it.  I knew what she was going through.

I suppose we all have gone through something of that manner, right?  Seeing for the first time, the guy or girl that we once truly love, seeing other people.  The pain just cuts through you heart and you could feel it disintegrate into pieces, even though you were not in a relationship anymore.  It makes you feel that you're gone, you're yesterday's story, you are history.  And that hurts really bad.

I have been thinking a lot about moving on.  I know how much it hurts when I found out my ex was seeing someone else.  And no matter what had happened between myself and my ex, I would not want my ex to feel what I had felt.  So with this, I promised myself that I will not be in a relationship or date anyone, the least by the end of this year.  Why?  Because I still love my ex, and I wouldn't want to hurt my ex's.  And if I am successful with that, I will continue until mid of next year, June 2009.  And if ever possible, I want to be single for a very long time, and just enjoy my singlehood.  I know that sounds like a tall order, but realistically, I'm not ready for a relationship or dating.  My life is complicated than it already is.  

If I do get to find someone, I'll just bet (to myself, that is), it's nothing but a rebound relationship.  But one day, when I do find someone worthy, I'll make sure, that I'll be ready to be in a committed relationship and I will give all the love that I can.  Perhaps I'll even marry?!  Maybe... who knows eh, who know who'll be knocking around the corner...  So until then, you know you love me... XOXO... Journal Boy :) LOL

C'est la vie....