Taught and being Taught

Tonight, I gained a new friend.

She's a quiet avid reader of my blog and only today, she found me online and said hi.  I get my email added to people's MSN and I 'meet' new people via my blog.  She told me that I taught her something, it's like a window to the average adolescent life of current era.  She's quite a mature woman, and don't take this the wrong way, but here I am at almost one in the morning, thinking about her.  No, don't get me wrong, I am thinking about what she said to me and it got me thinking and thinking...   And I kept tossing and turning...

She gave a honest opinion of my blog and so far she's okay with it and enjoyed reading my journals, we also talked about life, family and relationship.  Although our chat was brief, she indirectly showed me the way and perhaps realising that there will come a time that I should settle down.  The thought of settling down does send shivers down my spine, but deep beneath my heart, I have a feeling that I should and probably want to.

I'm sorry that it seems that this post is about my one particular reader, but what she said to me and taught me to become much mature (in a good way, of course) kept on churning in my head.  We also talked about family and there are times when we have to turn our cheeks away from them.  Not that we don't care, but there are times during family altercation that we have to sit back and be the spectator.  She understood where I was coming from.

Then I got to think about my current relationship and my previous relationship.  I thought about the good things that I had with my last relationship.  And for the first time since my breakup, I thought differently about it.  I remembered all the good things, the wonderful things, the birthdays, the anniversaries, up to our daily routines...  Yeah, I still remember all of those bad ones too, but this time, it seemed insignificant to me.  And then I thought about the my current relationship, another reader said something along the line of "having a new relationship takes a lot of work", and that sends shivers.  Work.  I just had a post-relationship 'work' and now I have to endure pre-relationship 'work'.  I look ahead, and I do agree, that I have a lot of 'work' ahead of me.  

Love, four letter word, simple, yet the complexity of it all, can be mind boggling.  It uses a lot of the emotional energy than the rational mind.  And emotions, oh, where to begin?  There is no ending to love mysteries and miseries it can cause.  I have lots of things going on in my head.  But everything seems to rush to my fingers and I just can't type anything bit by bit.  Honestly, I'm a bit afraid of going home.  No, not my home as per say, but what I am going to do when I come back home.  I'm going to personally pick up my stuff from the ex.  And, I'm afraid to face my past again.  I'm not afraid of my ex, but more of afraid what would happen if we meet again.  I anticipate arguments and a lot of quarreling, blaming and accusing each other.  I sincerely hope that doesn't happen.  

My ex can bring the best of me and the worst of me too.  When we argue, it is as almost as fueling a huge bonfire.  Neither wants to back down.  I've asked my ex-housemates to pick my stuff for me, but my ex refuses them to do so.  Hundreds of questions comes up in my head, will my ex be there, will I have to confront each other, will there be screaming and shouting, will my stuff be left there on the garage floor, will it be just thrown out from a window or will it be that we ended up talking on the front door reminiscing the good times we had, shedding tears of regrets or perhaps an uneventful night.  I came and left.  The both of us are wounded souls, the both of us were hurt by each other's actions and the torment of words we threw to each other.  And as for me, that's all behind me.  I'm happy as I am regardless of my new relationship.  I just want to move on and be happy.  

Happy.  And the pursuit of it.  My new friend says, marriage can make someone happy, when I'm with my spouse and children, nothing else matters.  But I remembered a principle I live on, which is to stand on my own two feet when everything is gone or taken away from you.  She replied by saying that's true, but there are times, when you need support when your two feet hardly could bear it all.  So I suppose we're both right.  And with things like this, there are not black and white, right or wrong.  Everything seems to stand at the relative of it all.  The grey areas.  I am thinking that the complexity of the heart I have yet to master.  

I suppose, I can sleep better now, having able to write this all down.  This blog is therapeutic at times.  My sounding board.  My silent listener.  I suppose you're all there... listening quietly, judging me, talking about me, or even ignored what I just wrote, because they're all useless rambling and you just realise that you had wasted 5 minutes of your time and will never get it back.  But even so, thank you for listening.  Wherever you are, and whoever you are.  And to my new friend, N.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  For opening my eyes.

Until then, take care and ciao'.