Stupidity

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Stupidity in my book reference is consciously repeating the same mistake. That is my definition of stupid and stupidity. I for one am stupid now. I know, it's hardly Eureka!

The point of having a date is to get to know each other and to decide whether each other are compatible or not. And once that is established, the next step is to start a relationship. I got that chance and I got cold feet. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. Just like a coward. Which YKW had said to me before and indeed I am in agreement with that.

I asked myself, if I am not ready for any kind of commitment, why did I date? I asked myself over and over again, to no answer. My ex-es had said to me, that people fall in love with me easily. I believe that is bullshit, but I am starting change my mind. I know I am not romantic. Seriously I am not, I am not the Casanova that could make any woman, man and child to love me but I guess, my good-natured behaviour sometimes can be easily misconstrued as otherwise. (I am not blowing my own horn, but I have been told that sometimes, I can be too nice to others). I once wrote that I wanted to change for myself, I wanted to learn from my past experiences, but why does my heart doesn’t want to?

“Wasting” one’s youth. That’s a theory from a good friend and it is purely because of that. We have our youth once in our lifetime, so why should we settle down so soon. I know being 31 is hardly youthful, but I guess, I’m still at my prime age. Okay, maybe not, just play along with me, okay? But on a serious note, I guess that is why I have not settled down yet. I am not ready to commit myself to one person. I’m greedy that’s why. And that is the price I have to pay… I think I will grow old alone without children of my own or god forbid lots of children from different mothers?!. Of course, I should not be so pessimistic about my life, so far, I like it the way it is.

Then again, the consequence of my actions reflects on others who loved me. I don’t know why I am like this, I suppose, I can be ignorant. The time has not dawn on me to settle down. That much I know. Why I don’t want to settle down, perhaps I feel youthful and not ready for commitment, or there are so many things I wanted to do before I do wanted to settle down. I know I can commit someday, but not now. I think after being in a long relationship and a short ‘rebound’ relationship, this heart of mine is scared. Speaking of which, remember my Passenger movie post? It says that commitment is scary, because commitment is real. It makes life becoming real. Not a plan or something you hoped for... Real. So I suppose that is what I am scared of. Realism. Real. The Real Deal.

This post is starting to sound gibberish to me. I’m talking out from my ass. But one thing for sure is that, although I wanted to change, thought of changing, but for now, I’m not ready for a change. Not ready to be real. Not ready for commitment. Not ready. Perhaps one day I will, perhaps not, but I don’t want anyone to be victims of my detachment from love. That is my main priority. I don’t play games, I don’t play with other people’s heart and that was never the intention.

I am a man full of insecurities. I am a man scorned of love. I am selfish, greedy, stupid, foolish, cowardly, …… And I don’t deserve to be loved. Yet.

I’m sorry. Until then, take care by avoiding men like me. Ciao!

Comments

V said…
Take one step at a time. Going out on a date is supposed to be fun. Dont think of commitment, think of it as getting to know each other and have fun. Dont let it scares you..

Dont think of commitment as a burden, its a thing that u willing to do without any hesitation..well maybe a little bit but when the time comes, with the right person u'll know.

Meanwhile, dont think too much. 31 is just a number.
6 March 2009 at 00:38
Anonymous said…
That's a really good advice, I've got so far.... You're right.

Actually, my date gave me a gift which signifies a commitment and I got cold feet. I couldn't handle the pressure.

I broke under pressure....
6 March 2009 at 11:52
Anonymous said…
wow.. kalau banar2 kau lelaki, and if dgn mu date atu baik usul orangnya, jaga tah ati nya walaupun kau inda mau ada commitment apa2 sama ia. ingat, sekali tani menyakitkan hati orang, kalau ia sabar, kana balas tani balik tu lagi hebat. so pandai2 tah jaga hati orang atu.
7 March 2009 at 09:18
Anonymous said…
Anonymous, you're right. That is why aku lebih baik berterus terang, when I know I cannot commit. I like my date and that is why I rather keep things clear...
7 March 2009 at 10:30
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