What's Bothering Me?

I am yawning. I am tired. But I can't sleep, and that is why I am writing this blog at freaking two in the morning.

There's something bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I feel like I have forgotten something or felt like I need to do something, and it's bugging me. I feel a little apprehensive about something. Something's definitely bothering me and what's annoying is, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's just my stomach disagreeing with the green apple juice that I just had.

I have been thinking about my life and how dull my life is. Okay, I say dull in this manner not as a negative thing, I like a dull life, I don't mind being in a dull life. But it got me thinking, how did I get myself in a dull life in the first place. I guess, after loosing friends and relationships, I find that my life is dull because I have cocooned myself or surrounded myself for the past years with the same people. I guess the right thing to do here is to get to know more people, and I think that isn't much a problem, despite the hassle of getting to know them. I guess, knowing new people is like opening a gift, we have the unwrapping to do first to see what's in it. And sometimes the gift is something we want, or something we rather not have.

But as we grow old, finding new friends get a little tougher as we developed skills or preference of how our friends should conform to our ideologies and personality. In other words, the chemistry of friendships or relationships. I have friends that I consciously try to stay away without telling them the truth behind it. The truth hurts. Although it sets us free. And when it hurts, we either dwell into the pain or lash back in revenge. So it is better to keep our opinions to ourselves and just be happy for the indifference or better still avoid them completely without them knowing.

In all honesty, I do miss my friends and my ex-es. Their company (when things go well) are priceless memories. But now memories are all that is left. I don't yearn for those memories to happen again, but I do cherish them. I talked about this with Billy when we were in Miri. That I missed the laughters and conversations with my old friends. But that's life, right? In the end, something has to give. In the end, something must end. Anyway, good memories eh?

My love life right now had halt to a complete stop. My date is officially a friend. Actually I really appreciate my date's understanding in this matter. Matter of the heart is very dangerous when not addressed properly. But it's good between us. I guess, my realisation of the 'relationship' was at the right time, before it has gone too deep or too far. I hoped no hearts were broken, no hopes we let down. But I guess everything turned out good. But sometimes, we have to be cruel to be nice. Cruel in this aspect, is telling the truth about my true thoughts and feelings.

I've realised something about my writing recently. Besides the lack of updates, I have been quite secretive with my blog. The place where I rant and pour my heart and soul in. I felt like I've cheated my best confidante by keeping secrets away from it. I have missed out purposely and also unintentionally of some things that were private. It didn't use to be like this. I write almost everything here, but now I censor certain things away from it.

There are times when I write my heart and soul here and being misconstrued as a pathetic attempt to gain sympathy. I still remember a reader accusing me of fishing for sympathy. I guess there are not many blogs that pour their private heart and soul for everybody to read. It's weird that sometimes we get judged for things when we don't seek judgement. Maybe, there are times when I write my post hoping for people to understand or perhaps help others that may have gone through the same thing. I guess there are times when I expect too much from my readers. Well, truth to be told, I do expect some readers to comment or at least challenge my views of life through their own experiences and opinions. But then again, it's up to my readers, in their own time.

I'm ranting. So please forgive me for the things that I have just written, and you think it was a waste of your time. I guess, right now, I'm having an insomniac moment. So anyway, I better leave it to that. Until then, take care and Ciao.