Kellaz: Revealed

Before I start revealing myself (this is a 'thought' post, by the way), I want to share you guys of some of the pics from my previous posts.  So click here, here, here, here, here, here and here.  (New: here, here and here).  To be truthful, I love being with them, it's always fun and laughter all the time, but that night, the main topic/story telling was about kantut (translation: flatulence) and hantu (translation: Ghosts)...  It was hilarious.  Even though two days has passed, I'm still smiling about it.  I know it's silly, but in all seriousness, if you knew this 'crazy' guys, you'd be smiling days after that...

So, today, this early dawn, I had a revelation about myself.  I won't dwell into much about how I came about this revelation of myself, let's just say, a friend decided to open my eyes and make me see outside of my body and look at myself as someone else.  

Kellaz a.k.a Saiful: (from this onward, I shall write Kellaz/Saiful as a third person)

• Does not listen.  He does not accept critics lightly, he doesn't listen to them, even how much you try and make him understand.  Or even let yourself clarify to him.  He's just stubborn and think he is right all the time.
• Is selfish.  He thinks about himself but not about others that he cared most.  Ignorant and ungrateful at most times.  And unappreciative of the kindness that was given to him.
• Is arrogant.  It repeats the first point, because he thinks he is always right and when proven wrong he just won't listen.  
• Is in-denial.  Even after proven wrong he still thinks he is right in his own accord.  He is defensive without listening to any explanation.

(Third person reference over...)  I'm not being hard on myself.  Because that eye-opening session is the truth, and I had my reason.  Listing out my reasons right now will only proved that all the above is true.  So for a start, I admit all of this is my characteristic, not because I want to admit to prove something, but purely to the fact that it is true...  No, I will not do this to you, but I suppose only to those I care most, even love most.  I did that to my family and recently to my friends.  So, from the bottom of my heart, I do like to apologise to my friends for hurting them deeply.  And I promise from now on, I will change.

One will never appreciate anything until it was taken away.  And that is always true.  Now, there is not turning back, if I had a time machine, I will change everything.  But I don't have it, so I have to look to the future and bring it to a new better me.  I had done a lot of damage.  Control as I may, it is way to late, hearts broke because of my behavior and attitude.  So I will look back at all of this and change myself.  For a future for me to build.

Why am I writing this down?  Isn't it downgrading my ownself for the public to read???  Well, to answer your question, it is to remember, to make me remember of the man I am.  To reflect back of the man I am and the man I will be in the future.  Actually, after reading the book, Redz had borrowed me "A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle", I thought I changed.  Well I did, but I took a wrong turn and I changed to this nasty guy/friend.

But as my revelation had told me, above all of this, despite my despicable behavior, I am a good friend to my friends.  A caring friend.  (I know this sounds like blowing my own horn, but I guess, other people are to judge my character, and it wasn't up to me to judge it on my own).  Even, so, personally, I don't think I am.  I still think I'm a nasty, ungrateful guy/friend.

So I shall stop dwelling into my negativity and start a new leaf.  I'm going to take these negativity and turn it to something useful and positive.  Wish me luck in my quest to becoming a new and better man.  I will be needing a lot of that.  So I hope you like reading my thoughts of today.  Until then, my dearest readers, take care, be safe, be kind, Selamat Berpuasa (Happy Fasting) and Adios!!!