Kellaz, A Journal

Today, after not running for three nights, I had my fastest run. 10+kms in 72 minutes. I feel a little tired, then again I suppose it was because I missed my lunch today.  I'm getting better at it.  I think, my stamina is back on track, but I haven't been losing weight.  I think I'm gaining muscles as I notice my thighs are a little firmer and smaller. Nothing much on my end, just work as usual, meeting as usual and everything seems okie dokie.  My team got an praised by the FD (Finance Director) yesterday, for being efficient and very productive.  I wasn't there to get the praise (not that I seeking for one) , because I thought it was an operation meeting and I wasn't supposed to be there.  It is kindda cool to get management appraisal like that.  I worked relatively hard for this.  This team, this project is my baby, I haven't got much else to count on.  After being accused of being lazy and slacking off from the first part of the year, I suppose this is my t...

My decision not to sleep took it's toll today.   What is pisses me off was that, I was worried that I might overslept.  My check-in time was 6.30 a.m, thus I had to wake up at freaking 4a.m.  But it turns out my flight was delayed to a later time at 8.44a.m.  I zombied the day.  I was so sleepy.  And when I arrived offshore, I went right straight to bed.  I woke up at half past 3p.m.   I'm still sleepy.  And I don't think I'm going to run tonight.  I'm hungry as hell too.  So I'm going to have dinner whether I like it or not.  So nothing much to update you guys on.  Until then, take care, be safe and Adios!

Here I am, avoiding sleep, sitting by myself at 2.30 a.m at DeFountain Cafe.   Why would I avoid sleeping?  Because I tend to oversleep.  Thus I will be late for my flight to offshore.   I don't have much to do this time round coming back onshore.  I'm tired, yes.  But isn't it dangerous to be driving tired one hour away.  Well I hope I won't get tired.  But as soon as I get myself offshore.  I'd retire to bed definitely perhaps until lunch.  I'm tired, but I'm not sleepy yet.  That is why I will be leaving a little early than usual, so I can take my sweet time driving to the Anduki Airport. Coming back to shore, this time round, the city, the house, the room, the bed...  all looks so foreign to me.  The capital is nicely lit.  And I'm not used to it.  I feel like a lot of things have change.  I suppose I am the one changing a lot.  I suppose I feel good being cocoon in a carefree life that, everything back here onshore feels there's some required e...

I need serious help.   Here I am on my bed.  And I can't sleep.  Erk! Help! The room is too cold, the bed is too big, the pillows are too comfy and I can't hear anyone snore.  I have been away from my room too long to get comfy.  I'm an alien to my own freaking room.  I've had two ciggies and still I'm not sleepy.  I even read other people's blog in my own blog links, for goodness sake. I'm panicking now actually, I don't want to wake up late, and I don't want to miss the workshop and I don't want to feel and look sleepy.  I feel like I'm staying over in someone else's room.  Everything is mine and feel familiar but it seems so foreign to me.  Sigh!  So anyway, I'll keep myself occupy with this blog and probably I'll start yawning soon.   So what's on my mind.  A lot of things actually.   My mind is like a pedestrian sitting next to a roadside and watching the traffic go by, continuously and ever ending...  There's a lot b...

I'm onshore today.  Only for a day.  Tomorrow I'm going for a workshop as requested by my boss.  Its no relaxation for me at the moment.  It's all for work.  Not looking forward it, but hey, it's work.  Plus I got to go back onshore, so that's a bonus. Yesterday I did my usual run.  It was an easy run, I suppose the not running the day before helped my body heal.  But at first it was quite an effort, but 20 mins into the run, I was fine.  My heart beat also slows down a little, even calories burn was not as were before.  I suppose I have gained some fitness.  And also, it was my fastest run so far, 10 kms in 75 minutes. So I woke up relatively late, because I suppose I was a little winding down from work.  And my shift supervisor also my roommate told me to take it easy.  I woke up, had my shower, coffee and ciggy, and started packing my stuff.  I went to the administrator to check my flight.   And he told me soon, so I packed again, and by 4 p.m I was already onsho...

Suffered migraine yesterday, after the daily 5 p.m. meeting, I went back to my bedroom/office to rest my head.  Then my supervisor bombarded me with lots of scope of work that needs to be carried out but he anticipated the work with difficulties which is inarguably true.  The materials that arrived yesterday makes some of the work scope healthy, but it is difficult if not, impossible to be done.  Our support from onshore also doesn't help by sending us materials to the scope that has already been completed. Miscommunication seems to be at large with us offshore and the support onshore.  It was frustrating, so I went up my bunk bend to lie down my head.  I managed to get some sleep.  When I woke up it was about 8p.m and it was time for my run.  But I still had some headaches, so I decided to give myself a break for a night.  I took a shower and went to the mess room to grab some food.  I missed dinner at 6p.m so I just took some light food and went back to my room.  Discovery was on...

I know I shouldn't but hunger always strikes me after my run. I ran or perhaps today I should call it a fast walk.  I decided to burn more calories by going fat burning mode rather than doing high cardio running.  At first I ran, pretty fast I must admit, I covered 5 kms in 35 minutes, thanks to Madonna blaring the 4 Minutes track in my ear.  I had downloaded a few tracks by Madonna including Remixes of that song that went on for 25 minutes altogether.  So I didn't feel exhausted much.  My heart starts to slow down, even at a higher pace run, my heart beats at a steady 171 beats per second, usually it goes up to 182 beats per second.  I take this as a sign that I've gain a fitness level. Enough about my running, today, my body took it's toll, after my run yesterday, I find myself waking up to a still exhausted body.  It doesn't ache or anything, but it was really difficult to wake up.  I told my roommate/shift supervisor that I need to extend my rest.  And he said ...

After spending almost two hours in the hot stuffy gym and as usual the last to use the gym, thus  I had shut everything off.   Today is my my best ever run.  10.6 kms in 76 minutes.  I burnt 1550 20% fat.  And it feels great.  I got a few raised eyebrow and heads turning, at times, peeking at my dial, looking at the distance I ran.  I suppose they were a little amazed and wondering what the hell I'm doing.  I didn't tell people that I'm training.  But today's run was a breeze.  When I left the gym, I came out to a wonderful cool air...  The wind was strong but light enough to make you fall asleep on your feet.  Whilst Mandy Moore happened to be singing "Have a little faith in me" in my earphones.  It was in awe.  The sea was mellow, the wind brushing my scalp (since I have cropped hair).  And the gentle sound of the flare burning..  It was just plain peaceful.  I feel at peace.  I thanked  Allah Al Mighty that gave me this serene feeling in me. So anyway, to...

Against my golden rule of running, emphasis on the MY .  I had lunch, worst still I was not even hungry...   The weather turned on us, so most of us were on a downtime, so my roommate and I cleared up things in our bedroom, files were everywhere, cables run from one end of the room to the other, it was all a mess.  Well, at least the office is.  Not our beds. And now, it's much nicer looking, there's space, there's space for me to put my laptop on, to put our personal belongings on.  It's clear and clean.  We love it.  Best of all, all things are in their place when and where we need it.  Everything is handy. I got to sit and talked to my two new riggers.  Finally, some Bruneians, they look like they've aged a lot, only to know they're only almost 40 years old, but they look like more than 50.  I suppose working outside under the sun for hours on end, and neglecting their skin, they look much darker and older than their age. I'm afraid of growing old, if tru...

Today is rest day. I purposely did not write my blog yesterday because I'm just a little worried over my readers reading the same thing over and over again.  But indeed, I did ran yesterday, another 10 kms and burn about 1430+ kcal for about 76 minutes.  It was really a tiring run.  Perhaps I may have over did it by doing it three days in a row.  But I need to 'act up' my routine and make it as a norm.  It is quite a struggle I must say. So anyway, today woke up early but it was abnormally cold today, so I stayed in bed, still awake, snuggling in my blanket.  About 8 a.m, I decided to finally get out of bed.  One of my scaffolder came offshore to get him endorsed but unfortunately he could not, because he has not attended one mandatory course.  So I had to send him back onshore.  I felt sorry for the guy, because he woke up early to get denied and sent off from the first chopper.  But I told him, no hard feelings, because I require someone much more qualified than he is.  I...

1490 kcal for 80+ minutes about 10+ kms. I lost track of the distance and the timing.  Because, I was being weary about tonight.  Sunday night is typically when they practise the Fire Drill Exercise and but tonight it seems that there isn't going to be one.  I ran for about 40 minutes and then I realised that the gym was empty, I pulled out my earphones and stopped.  I looked around there was no one in sight.   I thought there was a fire drill and I was not informed, I peeked outside and across, I saw the window kitchen from the opposite platform that there were people still working vigilantly.  So I was assured there isn't one, so I continued on,  the last time I saw the dial was at 6 + kms and so I continued to run another 4 kms.   I had a MSN chat my my good friend today.  He was talking about being single.  I remembered that he once wrote a blog about being single and how much it was great for him.  He is single again after being with her long term girlfriend.  I told him ...

As part and parcel of my attempt to motivate myself and to achieve an accomplishment for myself I have entered myself into an upcoming competition.  I managed to register myself online to the Borneo International Marathon for the Half Marathon. Next is the hotel booking.  I love it.  Here I am offshore, no land in sight.  But there is, but from a very far far away view on a clear day.  Anyway, I have bought airline tickets, I have registered myself, and now, I need to secure my place for the weekend there.  I am thinking should I go there alone.  I think it would be nice to travel alone, but then again, who would shoot pictures of me running carrying my ass for 21kms.  I would be nice, but I'll think about it. Next, I'd have to book myself for leave.  It shouldn't be a problem because it will be during Eid (Hari Raya Aidilfitri) and most of my colleagues are on leave as well.  But I suppose that would make it even harder to take leave.  Hmm, must act now!  Must send email t...

After a day's rest, I ran again today.  Some improvement.  72 minutes, 10.2 kms, 1375 kcal 15% fat. But it was really tiring.  My breathing is all over the place.  My running technique gone.  My left foot hurts.  But almost 40 mins of my run, my breathing came to sync again.  So it was okay, again.  I was a little pissed that someone turned the exhaust fan off.  The airconditioning off too, just two doors open and it was freaking hot.  But I manage to persevere.  And just kept on running. So at the moment, I'm on endorphin high.  I love running...  I especially love running outdoors, since I don't have much choice, the treadmill will do for now.  I'm starting to feel my body aching, but at the same time I feel good.  I've seen some improvement in my body, I think I have might lost a kilo or two.   So anyway, I bet you guys are enjoying your weekend.  Well, actually like I have mention in my previous post, the days of the week means nothing to us.  It's work as u...

I'm such a sissy.   Last night, I watched Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore and Shane West.  I cried watching it.  I know it's a chic flick and all but I heard from friends, that the movie is really good.  And coincidentally, my senior inspector who left today back to Jakarta, told me it was a good movie and recommended it to me.  He had a copy of the movie in his hard drive and passed it to me to let my time pass at night.  So I was wondering what the fuss is all about and downloaded them to my Mac.  And damn...  Tears just flow... Sometimes, sex doesn't necessarily sell.  This is one movie that I saw, that has no erotism. Only  a fantastic display of love.  The pure love that it is.  It is so heart warming that it could melt the toughest roughest guy to tears.  I'm sure. The pure love displayed of a person and how it changes a person and their future is so inspiring.  The ability to touch someone's life and soul with the pure love that exist is such a wonder. ...

10.3 kms, 1413 kcal, 80 minutes. Happy I am.  This post is going to be a short one.  I'm totally knackered.  I woke up today to a really painful body.  I woke up early, but I spent most of the time staring at the ceiling in my bed for hours and occasionally talk to my QA/QC senior inspector.  After months of not running, my body is trying to adapt to my exercise regime.  Tomorrow, I won't be running.  It is time to rest my body.  Today is my fastest run so far.  I ran whilst watching two episodes of Friends back-to-back for an hour.  I didn't feel tired running, was grinning most of the time.  My breathing and my running techniques are slowly catching up my muscle memory.  I even cut down on the ciggies.  I hardly touch them today.  So anyway, there are some things I wanted to write about the power of networking that I previously mention.  i.e. talking about people knowing other people or the least know of the people who knows the people in question.  Am I making any sense....

Today, the whole day, after endless times attempt to connect to the wireless connection at the accommodation here, finally it decided to give up on us. Thus I was left with TV to watch.  I learnt something today, which I found out for myself.  That, I'm missing a lot of things.  What I mean, is I'm missing my life back on land.  Missing in the sense of that I yearn.  But also in the sense that it is missing from me.  I suppose the time without any internet connection did make me a little helpless.  I think I've gone too attached to it.  So anyway, it's back on now and I'm glad that I could finally sleep with the knowledge that I didn't miss writing today's post.  I am addicted to it.   So missing.  I miss having a social life back on land, not that I don't have one here, the people or should I say the crew, here are friendly enough.  Although sometimes and this is rare, judging by looks only, there are some hostile looks from a few people.  I'm not s...

No, I'm not running from issues and all that malarkey what life throws at you. But I did what is ironically not possible done offshore.  I ran!  On the treadmill, of course.  I'm on  a natural high right now, and it feels great.  Not looking forward when I wake up tomorrow, I'm writing this down at 0122 hrs, because I finally finished watching Gossip Girl Season One.  I think Season Two is coming, and I love this series.  I heard nothing about it until Redz mention that could be an interesting DVD series to buy.  Highly recommendable, but there are certain plot in the story that is predictable. I adamant that I shall get in shape in time for my marathon in October, because it serves me two great reason, firstly, I shall get back in shape, I have been eating quite a lot and I have gain almost 15 kgs in two years.  So I really need to get back in shape, round is a shape but not really appealing to me.  Secondly, it's part of my master plan to remove myself from the festi...

I'm upset.  I'm sad.  I feel helpless. A good friend has passed away today.  She succumb to her cancer.  And I feel bad, that I couldn't see her again.   Mawarni a.k.a Betty, you'll be missed.  I will miss you. For those alive, please give your prayers to her, so that her soul will rest in peace.  Al Fatihah.

As planned, I'm back offshore.  Again. I do apologise for my lack of updates.  That's because I was doing my errands as much as I can before coming back here for the long haul.  The last three days spent onshore was really good.  I had a great time and somehow, being onshore makes a little bit special to me, seeing my friends and housemates, it all makes life a little bit interesting. So updates.  Sunday was spent mostly not sleeping and sleeping...  Not at the same time, of course, but I didn't sleep on Sunday morning, because I decided to drive down and sleep over at my "brother's" house, Sulaiman, we hung out at his house till 3 a.m.  Then slept for about less than an hour and woke up at 4 a.m to get ready for my trip offshore.  By 4.45 a.m. I was already out the door and driving towards Anduki.   I was bringing my cargo of office supplies with me, because we were running short of files and folders offshore.  I booked the cargo, but it was apparently not ca...

That's what it is. I came back onshore to a partially turbulent relationship.  Before reaching the shores, I've already more or less made up my mind.  Mind you, I am ambivalent. Upon reaching home, showered and dressed, I immediately meet up with my other half.  It was a bitter sweet revelation.  Happy but anxious at the same time.   In summary, what I did was, I gave up on the relationship.  Relationship.   Not my love .   As I type this, I feel silly at the same time, because in my mind, what I am going to type next will defeat the idea of letting go of a relationship.  I asked to cross the border from a relationship to friendship.  Do you think anyone can do that?  I am confident that I can.  We can.   100% So you probably may wonder, under what basis did I come to this conclusion?  i.e. to move on as friends.  Well, I'm a great friend (well, at least I have been told so, or the very least, I'd like to think so) , but not a great boyfriend, not even close to good.  B...

I'm going back tomorrow. I made few phone calls today, to change my departure date to onshore.  I can't.  And my back-to-back had already booked leave on Monday.  So I had to come home tomorrow.  Oh well, cest la vie. I have been talking about my life a wee too much, so this post is my itinerary for today, believe it or not, I woke up at 12 noon.  Well, I woke up a few times but I was tired.  I didn't get much sleep last night, I was thinking and thinking and thinking about my life.  I didn't get to sleep much.  I hate myself too much.  I think I slept at about 5 a.m.  I even finished a box of cigarette, my chest hurts.  Must cut down. When I woke up, I talked to my MatCo and discussed a few things.  Then I wrote my blog.  I showered and did my whole routine before that of course.  Things are going well for our team.  We're still ahead of schedule.  I want to get something for my team as a way to make them happy and dedicated as they are right now.  Tomorrow will be...

I hate myself. I despise myself. I don't deserve anything precious.  I don't deserve to be with a noble heart, a golden heart. I am like the malay saying "Beruk di beri bunga" (translation:  "Baboon been given a flower") .  I don't know how to appreciate it's beauty, and I don't deserve beauty itself. E and J are right.  Hats off to you guys.  You are absolutely right that I don't deserve to be with your best friend.  I'm no way close to making your best friend happy.  I'm no good for your best friend.  I bow in defeat.  You win. I know it is not the case of winning and losing, but the more I think about it, you guys are absolutely spot on.  You guys have no other intention but to protect and having the best interest for your best friend.  I know I have been forewarn about writing my relationship problems in here, but it's my blog and I can do what ever I want on it.   A guy like me will never learn, and never change.  For nobody...

I love MSN webpage.  Sometimes, MSN seems to know my problems.  Please find the link, here .  Well at least, I am that problem I suppose.  Have a read... The Hard Stuff  "He Insulted Me - and I Can't Forget It" by Karen Karbo More than a year ago, my current partner told me he found my naked body less than desirable and that he'd prefer me to keep on some clothes during lovemaking. I was hurt and gave him the boot. Days later, he showed up on my doorstep in tears, with flowers and an apology. I forgave him, knowing that if he really loves me, I shouldn't throw it all away. But since then, I don't feel the same about him. Why can't I convince my head and heart to return to the place they were before? —L.H., 36, Shady Cove, OR Every relationship has its own Love Shack phase, when you're so crazy about each other that you can't see straight and none of your friends want to be around you because you're all glowy and thin and full of insufferably sw...

I've changed my mind.  I'm not coming home. I'm going to stay here offshore for god knows how long, because I have more reasons for staying than going home.  I no longer look forward to go home.  Besides, no one is waiting for me back onshore besides bills and payments. I'm much happier here, left to my own devices and perks and foods a plenty.  I'm tired, emotionally and physically.  So I suppose I'll just recuperate here, keeping my mind focused at the task in hand.  I'm much more at peace.  Even so, I'm not always totally and fully at peace with my life, but life goes on.  Like my motto goes "Get on with it!" So anyway, what have I been doing?  I woke up late this morning, because it was exceptionally quiet in my room/office, I didn't realise it was 8 a.m.  Besides, I couldn't get to sleep until at least 3 a.m last night.  Usually the sound of the paging announcement wakes me up quite early.  But today, the paging was not heard.  I w...

This is what I hate.  Here I am, offshore, and been given the second degree.   I was questioned like some kind of criminal, like I have stolen something, killed someone.  Pissed off I was.  I even held back my anger, and as if it is not enough, I got asked if I am angry?  And since I said "whatever" and "move on" , it means I don't want, I don't need an explanation.  Why can't we just carry on than dwelling into this petty staff. But no, explanation had still to be said. I'm having an argument with my other half.  The attitude of 'just drop it and move on' is not the best attribute.  I know the intention was most and foremost not to piss me off.  I know I can be quite an arse when I'm agitated.  I know I'm not given a second degree (now), but merely making conversation.  But please, can't we just drop it?   "Are you angry?  I know you're angry, so let me explain"  Chaaarrrrrr! Give me a gun, and let me blow my brai...

Here I am, in my coveralls, busy at about 7 a.m this morning, instructing what's left of my crew to organise their materials properly before the big boss visit this noon.  The rest of my crew have left early this morning to work at an outstation platform, they'll be doing that for the next three days.  It is noon and everyone had already taken their lunch, I'll give lunch a miss today.  The food is the same ol' same ol' if you know what I mean.  So instead I will tell you what I will be doing when I get back onshore (not that you'd like to know, but freaking hell, give me something to write here, I'm bored! LOL!) : As soon as I get back, it is back to the office to pick up my office supplies, and to get my work laptop, also perhaps to clear my work email inbox. Meet up my 'brother' Sulaiman , to send his gifts from Redz and I, from Redz's trip from Bangkok...  If he doesn't want it, I'll take it - ha ha...  Nice gifts, I must admit. T...

I was logging off my hotmail, when I saw this  in MSN , I could help but to click on it. I was chatting with a friend recently on MSN who was involved in this kind of love.  It is rare to see these kind of things to happen, but nevertheless it could happen. Have I ever fell in love with a friend, yes, what's worst is to my ex's best friend.  Maybe perhaps I was such a horny bastard, but seriously, I have been secretly admire the best friend for quite a long time, so when my lover turn into an ex, I grabbed the opportunity.  We broke up because of different reasons, not because I fell in love with my ex's best friend.  Actually, the best friend never entered the picture until the relationship nearly fell apart.  So anyway, I expressed my feelings and was reciprocated in a humble manner when all of a sudden, and out of the blue... gone.  My calls was not answered, my text messages was not replied.   I thought, I might have come out too quick, too much and too desperate.  So ...