A Mutual Understanding

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That's what it is.

I came back onshore to a partially turbulent relationship.  Before reaching the shores, I've already more or less made up my mind.  Mind you, I am ambivalent.

Upon reaching home, showered and dressed, I immediately meet up with my other half.  It was a bitter sweet revelation.  Happy but anxious at the same time.  

In summary, what I did was, I gave up on the relationship.  Relationship.  Not my love.  

As I type this, I feel silly at the same time, because in my mind, what I am going to type next will defeat the idea of letting go of a relationship.  I asked to cross the border from a relationship to friendship.  Do you think anyone can do that?  I am confident that I can.  We can.  100%

So you probably may wonder, under what basis did I come to this conclusion?  i.e. to move on as friends.  Well, I'm a great friend (well, at least I have been told so, or the very least, I'd like to think so), but not a great boyfriend, not even close to good.  Because that's the way I am.  Or perhaps, I'm not ready to settle down yet.  Thus sometimes, that is why I lash out unnecessarily, be unfaithful, basically, I'm such an ass as a boyfriend.  I'm not a nice boyfriend.  SERIOUSLY.   I know that now.  

Why now?  

Because being offshore, at most nights, it does give me a lot of time to think and reflect about myself.  I realised it now, but truth be told, I realised it quite a long time ago, but I tried to change my bad attributes, and I really tried my best to keep the relationship going on.  But I just can't.  The more I try, the more damage I make.  So now, I've succumb from my denial.  And face the reality of it all.  I can't make the person I love, happy.

So why now?  The decision now?

I've realised that the damage I have made to this relationship, also damages my other half.  I'm the one who always cause the problems, hurt feelings, (okay, basically an arsehole big headed pig of a man) and at the end of it, my other half will be the one who says sorry.  My other half doesn't feel this way, doesn't think this way, because the eyes have been blinded by the enchantment of the relationship.  I feel bad about that, about myself, I hate that part of me.  So enough is enough.  We came to a mutual understanding under the basis above, why I have decided to give this relationship to a rest.

It will take a lot of adjustments to the both of us.  A LOT.  And all I hope for is that my friends will give my other half the support that is required.  Because I think I've done too much damage.  I want to say sorry to my friends, that I am such a disappointment.  To that, I apologise from the bottom of my heart.  But I'll be away again soon, and maybe longer.  Wish I can stay longer to undo the damage I've done.  But I know, I don't deserve to even undo them.  It is too late for damage control, for me.

One thing that WILL remains.  My other half WILL ALWAYS be my PRIORITY.  WILL ALWAYS be my PREROGATIVE and WILL ALWAYS be my RESPONSIBILITY.  In this world, I have no one, but my other half friend.  If you need me, I will always, always be there.  That's all I asked from you.  I will forever need you, more than you need me.

Until then.  That's it from me, for now.  Adios.

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Never in my life, that I ever felt like the way I love you.  I have never let anyone close to my heart and into my heart.  Never ever.  But you did.  You manage to open up my heart and show the world to me.  You gave me life, you gave my your heart, you gave me your soul, you gave me your word, you gave me friends, you gave me faith, you gave me something to believe in, you gave me strength, you gave everything that I ever wanted, you made me the better man I am.  I know what I am doing feels so wrong, but its the right thing to do...  I'm sorry that I have disappoint you.  I'm sorry that I did the things that I did.  I'm sorry that I made you cry.  I'm sorry for everything.  I'm sorry that I have let you down.  I'm sorry.  And I know no  amount of sorry is never enough to repent my mistakes.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Hi Kellaz

i think it's just nature that we human do not really see what in front of us until it's too late. i'm no expert in relationship myself mate, but letting go what we love is a better choice rather than putting 'em in a situation with more tears and emotionally distressed. no pain no gain.. relationship requires balance and if u can't comprehend then she deserves better.

-xx-
13 July 2008 at 11:25
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