My Demons

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I hate myself.

I despise myself.

I don't deserve anything precious.  I don't deserve to be with a noble heart, a golden heart.

I am like the malay saying "Beruk di beri bunga" (translation:  "Baboon been given a flower").  I don't know how to appreciate it's beauty, and I don't deserve beauty itself.

E and J are right.  Hats off to you guys.  You are absolutely right that I don't deserve to be with your best friend.  I'm no way close to making your best friend happy.  I'm no good for your best friend.  I bow in defeat.  You win.

I know it is not the case of winning and losing, but the more I think about it, you guys are absolutely spot on.  You guys have no other intention but to protect and having the best interest for your best friend.  I know I have been forewarn about writing my relationship problems in here, but it's my blog and I can do what ever I want on it.  

A guy like me will never learn, and never change.  For nobody.  Under any circumstances, not because I can't change or that I'm stubborn, but it is just the way I am.  And I hate it.  I hate myself, I hate being me.  

I know squabbles will happen every now and then in a relationship, but at times, it can be too much for us.  I am afraid that the inevitable will happen.  I'd be devastated, I'd be dead, I'll never heal.  I'll break down.  

But anyhow, as the french saying goes "cest la vie".  Life goes on.  But all I'm saying here is, here I am, lying defeated and acknowledging that everybody is right from the beginning.  I'm my own demon and I'm taking your best friend down with me.  I know that now.  I know I'm no good.  No good.  

Until then.  Adios.

"If you can't accept losing, you can't win" - Vincent Thomas (Vince) Lombardi

Comments

Anonymous said…
Let it go Saiful

You are a great man that I know and you will always be.

Cheers bro.
9 July 2008 at 17:20
Anonymous said…
Relationship is never perfect Kellaz. My friend once asked me what is the key to a perfect relationship? I don't know. I gave him a lot of materialistic answers like money, sport cars and such. He said: the key is to accept each other's weaknesses for we are all imperfect. Hmm so philosophical now. I need a break too. I wish my work involves off-shore too. All the best.
10 July 2008 at 16:53
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