Count on Me

Just had a talk with my best best best friend.  He's angry with the world.  

I feel bad about it, I feel like I'm partly at fault for him being on his own.  Worst still, his phone got barred and he couldn't reach any of his friends.  By the stroke of luck, I found him online and we managed to talk on the phone.

I gave him some pick up advices on how not to be dependent on others on how to live our own life.  We easily depend on other people on opinions and what not.  But as the saying goes "no man's an island".  But there were times that you can't count on anybody, family and friends, there are times when you need to endure the hardship on our own.  I have a motto in life to not depend on other people but stand on my own two feet.  Because that's the only thing I can control and depend on.  People change, some occupy themselves with their spouse or partners, some change attitudes, some even fall apart.  Family are likewise.  People change accordingly to their situations.  And I suppose there are times, that we just need to accept the things the way they are.  

When you're fragile and frail, you've got nothing to count on but on yourself.  It can be really tough for some people but like me, I always try to look at the blessings or the silver linings to the adversity that I fall into.  If I fail to look for it, I try and try harder.  At the moment as you probably have read through my endless rant of my run, I keep myself in shape for my run, for me, for myself, to myself.  Looking good and losing weight is just a bonus, but I'm not doing this to prove anything to anybody.  I wanted to prove this to myself.  Not for no one.  

Some people get attached to things or others quite easily.  They had to be a part of something, a society, a group and they act the way they should act.  Remembering back to the book that I have read, it says "who we are is not who we are", we conform to a society and conform to other people's mind set, and we identify what we are not as who we really are.  Are you getting any of this?  Well, I suppose, you'd need to read it again.

As I told my best best best friend, to keep his chin up and head up high.  Forward and upwards, like I always tell myself.  There's a choice in this, no matter what situation we're into, so let us all chose up and front.  Don't let ourselves be victims of our own doing.  

It's all easy to talk about.  But having confronted these situations, is a different story.  I was once suicidal after my breakout with my family.  I thought that I've got nothing to live for.  My life had no meaning.  As I grip the scissors to hand.  Somehow, I saw faces of my nieces and nephews, looking at me, all grown up, with their husbands and wives, getting married, I saw tears in their eyes, that I was not there for them.  And suddenly, I thought to myself, yes, I do have something to live for.  Them.  Although they are not my children, but they're my flesh and blood and had done nothing to me.  They eased my mind.  I'm not making this up.  But this is my intimate truth about myself.  I am suicidal.  But not psychotic.  I promise myself I would never do such a thing again.  There are times when the situation is so extreme that we forgot everything of higher purpose.  My best best best friend was there throughout my breakdown, and he never let me down.  I am alive because he was there for me.  He did save my life.  And I am forever in debt.  And he was my silver lining when my world collapse.

From that time onwards, I have learnt to detach myself from being dependent on anyone, but instead I let someone depend on me when they need me.  I'm always there to count on, although not physically, but I'm there, in thoughts, in prayers.  I'm here.  Rest assured.  Being independent has always been one of my main traits.  Sometimes I love it too much.  But there are times, I lose myself and without knowing it, I depend on others for emotional support.  But being dependent on others is no crime.  But being attached to that dependency is wrong, by itself.  When you lose hold of your own two feet, and when the world is collapsing beneath you, then you'd fall flat, inevitably succumb and endure the pain and sorrow.  So whatever it is, whoever you are, at the very end of the day, it's yourself who will have to count on.  Say to yourself, COUNT ON ME.

On the other end of spectrum, the positive side of things, my work has got recognition from my bosses and his bosses's bosses.  I'm glad.  I'm proud of myself, and tonight, I got an email from my boss that I had to give a presentation to the management.  I'm not weary of the presentation, I've got really good bullshitting skills.  But I'm weary of collecting data for the project.  It can be tedious.  But I suppose the best is yet to come.  I'm excited.

My run for today was 10.2 kms in 73 minutes, a little slow but it was a tough run.  I over did myself by running 12 km/hr for 4 kms and after 7 kms, I was huffing and puffing like the coyote trying to blow the three piggies home down.  I over estimated myself.  Darn, I should have gone slow and steady...  But hey, lesson learnt...  Damn that DJ Tiesto...  I was listening to his mind-mesmerising techno track which made me think I could run that fast! LOL...  Anyway, hope you are doing fine, which I am sure you are, until then... Say it with me...  Take care, be safe and ADIOS!!!