Buzz... Buzz... Random Thoughts

My brain is busy buzzing with a lot of things...  Prepare to get into my head...  (It's ranting season!)

I wanted to write something about myself.  I just have this need to express myself - LOL...  I am thinking to write have perhaps a biweekly about Kellaz post.  Whenever I can.  I have so many things to write about myself.  Yes, I'm that self absorbed.

During my drive back home this afternoon, I was thinking and my head went through a series of random thoughts.  One of it was because of a blog I recently read, about trust.  And then, I reflect that thoughts back upon myself, I am not truly a trust worthy kind of guy.  My baby can be a witness to that.  My baby have gone through a lot with me, I cheated on my baby quite a number of times, and yet baby still stood by me.  That was what that made me love baby much more.  Baby, even at certain times, gave me chances upon chances for me to act up, but I think I'm not as committed man as commitment goes.  But I'm trying, and baby understands that.  Well publishing this in public would probably my attempt to accept who I am, and the least I'm not denying it.

Another thought that crossed my mind was about my future that I am about to embark on, owning my house and living with a minor surplus of my salary, wondering how I will make ends meet.  I also thought about my life to be offshore, starting this June, but that is yet to determined.  Because I might not be that way, the arrangement is still quite vague, and depends on what my boss will say about it.  And if that is the case, it would be much better as I will be receiving offshore allowances and I get to not spend my money for two weeks every month, which is more savings for me.  But what worries me is when my house start construction, I won't be there to manage, and when I do be onshore, I'd be working.  I planned for a week holiday to take care of the cats for my housemate in June.  Besides that, I think I need a break.  Perhaps I will use that time to manage my personal stuff.

Another thought was about my laptop.  I still haven't upgraded it.  I totally forgot all about it.  So I will be doing that this weekend.  I paid for the upgrade already when I bought this laptop, and they did call to remind me for the upgrade, I kept procrastinating about it, and at last, forgot all about it.  Gym was another thought that ran in my mind, running was another, how much I miss it.

Tonight, I became a wuss.  I cried in front of the TV.  Oprah should make a disclaimer of some sort that the topic could make people cry.  It was about death.  Most of the time, death is considered a taboo topic to talk about.  

A guy named Randy Pausch was dying and he is a lecturer in Carnegie Mellon, who is dying from pancreatic cancer, gave his last lecture before a packed McConomy Auditorium.  His moving talk "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams", he talked about his lesson learned and gave advice to students on how to achieve their own career and personal goals.  (Inserts taken from YouTube.com)  His last point of his lecture was the most saddening, he told everybody in the Auditorium (and Oprah's Show) that he made this lecture not for the hundreds of student in the auditorium, (later refer to audience in Oprah's) but for three people, three person in his life.  And his last slide, he showed a picture of his children.  He said "Maybe they won't see me in the future, but they will see this".  That was so heart warming.  The idea of posting something in the internet that became a sensation and knowing he won't be able to raise his children and watch them grow, the video became some sort of legacy to the children.  To keep his children on track after his death.  

It was really sad, what would you do if you know you've got few months to live.  As for me, I'd first make sure that I am well financially covered so that none of my family members would suffer later, make amendments with my family, and get ready for my life after death, be close to Allah, well, one do not need to wait for adversity to remember Allah.  But I won't preach, I'm so not the right person to preach.

There are plenty more thoughts in my head, about my relationship with Baby and such...  There's so many things in me, in my life that needs sorting out, that needs redefining, that needs reorganising, that needs discovering, that needs whacking, oh the list goes on and on...  So anyway, enough about me.  And my useless rant.  Until then, take care, Adios.