Mother's Mothers' Day

This weekend was Mother's Day, it was celebrated everywhere by any religion and race.

I am one who doesn't celebrate Mother's Day.  Why?  Simply because I don't get along with my mum anymore.  My mum used to be my best friend.  There was no secrets between us and I was the favourite child/son.  And then it took it's toll on me.

My parents were quite lenient with me throughout my life.  Simply because I was the child who caused the least worry and problem.  I was good in school, in college, in uni until I started working.  My life revolved around my family, and family was my prerogative in life.  My family always came first.  Everything went well.  Until one day, I had enough of being the child who burns himself for the family only to get nothing but insults and hatred (and more problems, caused by themselves).  

My heart broke.  So I decided to isolate myself from my family.  At first, it was hard.  I once cried in the restaurant, after being M.I.A from my family for nearly 6 months and saw my nephew all grown up (the last time I saw my nephew, he was still crawling, and at that time he started talking and walking, and he remembered me, he walked with his hand up calling out to me "ngangah").  I just lost it, I cried in front of my friends, and they were clueless about it.  Then, the breaking point was my dad, in his apraxic condition came by my flat (at that time) persuading me to come home.  And I did.  Then my family broke my heart again, and again, and again.  And now, it's nearly a year plus, since I came back home.  I did visit once in a while, for the sake of my dad (for Hari Raya).  Visiting him only when my brother-in-law is around.  My heart was broken one too many times to even consider coming back.

A friend once called me 'stubborn'.  He told me family was supposed to do that i.e. cause problems.  Because they are family.  But I refused to be called that, to be victimised.  See, I've never been (much) problematic to my family, I grew up being a goodie-two-shoes because of my family, because I've seen way too many times when my mother cried due to the problems that the family caused.  I've always been there to comfort her.  I've tried to hide myself (my true self - with my problems) away from the family, to show them that they don't have to worry about me.  And what did I get?  Nothing but heartache.  I will not write what are the causes of the heartache, because as the saying goes "beludah ke langit, pasti jatuh ke muka sendiri" (translation: "spitting to the sky, will eventually fall on your own face").  

I've always been the solver to my family's problem.  I was the rationaliser, the mediator, the arbitrator to my family's problems.  I don't ask for much, I don't even want a 'thank you' from them, I just want them to just live their life in peace.  To let the family be a unit.  To be together.  But every effort that I made, is another step back again.  As much as I tried, my family starts to break apart and thus breaking my heart.  So what is the whole point of me writing all this?  Hate as I may, my mum is the cause for all of this.  I don't blame her alone, I mean, she didn't cause as much damage, but she lets a few things happened and didn't help me put the pieces together.  She kept hiding secrets and more secrets, and let the family break apart.  Other members of my family did not help the situation either.  

So I suppose the moral of the story, is to let them fall.  Why?  Because if I am always there to help them, they will never help themselves but expect other people to give them a hand.  Thus that was why I cut myself off and prefer to live in solitude, without my family.  But secretly, I do still take note of the happenings in the family, but refuse to do anything about it.  I do miss my family despite what has happened.  I still love them and care about them.  It is harder not to care than caring those you love.  Believe me, it hurts inside. 

And lastly, to all mothers out there, Happy Mothers' Day.  

Until then, make love, not war, take care and Adios.